Someone you loved
by PoppadomsAndPilauRice
Summary: She was his hope. His life. His reason
1. Chapter 1

Someone you loved.

—-

'I'm going under, and this time I feel there's no-one to save me.'

This all or nothing way really got a way of driving me crazy'

'I need somebody to heal'

'Somebody to know'

'Somebody to have'

Somebody to hold'

'It's easy to say'

But it's never the same'

'I guess I loved the way you numbed all the pain'

Peter eyed the open bottle of whisky placed on the table in front of him with a longing gaze.

It was teasing him, goading him.

Just one sip.

One sip.

He recognized full well that it was taking all his restraint, not to succumb to the luring temptation of the liquid. The elation he would feel within spitting distance. He could almost taste it. The welcome, familiar burning, as it would glide easily down the back of his throat. Enveloping him in a warm embrace, like a favorite blanket. An old friend. An old friend he tried to resist, yet, he would predictably, eventually, return to.

It was his only crutch. His only safe place. The only vice he had that could, for now, ease his pain. His only comfort. His only need.

Except,

For her, that is.

But where was she?

Where was she, when he needed her?

Where was she, when his life was falling apart in front of his very eyes?

How could she not see?

How could she not know, this was all an act?

Except, she probably did.

Of course she did,

She knew him better than anyone.

Better than he knew himself.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe that's why she was pretending not to care.

If she was honest, with herself, and him. She cared. She cared a great deal.

Peter knew it would have broken her heart when she'd discovered he'd given Toyah another chance.

He also knew, if he'd just say the word, she'd come running. He knew all this, yet, did nothing.

He realized the residents could not fathom that he'd forgiven Toyah.

Well, he hadn't, not really. What was the alternative though? Spending a future alone, wishing, for a past, present and future with...her...

Peter also knew that Toyah meant no malice. She had done all this out of sheer desperation. Who was he, peter, to begrudge any desperate, selfish, acts. After all, he'd pressed self destruct too many times, more than he cared to remember.

Toyah, was in truth, a broken soul. A broken soul, just like him. Two broken souls, trying to do the best of their sad existence, craving the one thing they could both never have. Toyah a child, and him...her.

What did he think of Susie, now?. Honestly, he didn't know.

He had been reluctant at first, but he'd warmed to the idea. The thought of getting to be a father again. He couldn't help feeling though, that he wished another woman carried his baby. The woman which plagued every thought, consciously, subconsciously. She was there. All the time. She'd never left.

Why should things have worked out for him...maybe, this was his punishment. Maybe he was supposed to hurt, like he'd hurt so many people, like he'd hurt her. Maybe, he was supposed to feel a fraction of what she did. His baby had died. Their baby...and it was his fault.

Toyah was out. The curse of being his own landlord now defeating him. His eyes fixated on the bottle, roving between it and the tumbler sat beside it. Waiting, waiting.

Gingerly, he picked up the bottle. His hands shaking, as he slowly began to pour. The gurgle welcome, as he inhaled the sweet, smooth, scent, threatening to ingulf his nostrils.

How he wished she would walk in, right here, right now. Swipe the poison from his sweaty, clammy, hands. Berate him, ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. The fury turning into wild, uninhibited, passion, as it always had done.

But she never came.

tentatively, he picked up the tumbler.

And raised it to his lips.

Now the day bleeds, into night fall

And you're not here,

To get me through it all

I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved'

'And the day leads,W


	2. Chapter 2

————

Carla drained her glass. How much had she had? She wasn't quite sure. In fact, she was passed caring.

She'd achieved what she wanted, to blot out the pain, to numb her mind of him, and the images of them.

She hadn't believed it, she'd refused to believe it. Peter and Toyah. How could he? How could he do that to her?

She really struggled to understand and process his reasoning. She had done, in Carla's view, the worst thing somebody could do to someone they claimed to love and yet, here he was, giving their relationship another chance. After everything.

When Peter had turned up to tell her about Suzie, and about Aiden's involvement, she would be the first to admit that yes, maybe she used some of Peter's grief for her own gain. However, despite what Peter had done to her in the past, god knows he'd stamped on her heart and on her very core, he did not deserve this, any of it. Despite everything, she still loved him, she'd never stopped.

She'd put barriers up then, letting him close, but not too close. Not close enough to get hurt again. Overtime though, it had become bit of a habit, Peter turning up to cry on her shoulder, and her readily giving him that support.

She'd tried convincing herself that, it's what anyone would do. It's what friends did, but they weren't 'just, friends', and she'd realised she couldn't hide her feelings any longer.

So, after days, weeks months, and, if honest with herself, years of fighting against her heart, she had finally plucked up the courage a few days ago to tell him everything, la her heart on the line, explain that as hard as she may try, she couldn't see herself facing a life without him. She was lost without him.

She'd psyched herself up, agonised over it. Attempted to talk herself out of it, so many times. She was all ready to head to number one and express her feelings.

He'd beaten her to it though, turning up at her door, as seemed to be the norm these days. This is it, she'd thought. It's now or never.

She'd let him in, her heart pounding in her chest, as if it was going to beat out of her chest at any given second.

''I need to talk to you' they'd both said in unison, something they often did when they were a couple, in sync, like they were one.

'You first' she'd offered, giving herself more time to compose herself.

And then, he'd came out of it.

'Me and Toyah we're, giving things another chance'.

In that moment, her world fell apart. She felt as if, she'd literally been stabbed in the heart. In fact, that would probably hurt less.

'You're what?' She'd replied, unable to hide the shock in her voice, refusing though, to expose the angry, hurt tears that were threatening to spill.

'Yeah we urm...going to try again. You probably think I'm mad but, I still love her, and we can work through this'

'That's great Peter, really great'

She'd said, monotone. Convincing nobody.

'Really?'

'Yeah. 'Course. I'm happy for you, honestly.'

'Good, good. I'm glad I have your support...yeah!

They'd exchanged a few pleasantries after that, Peter making his excuses, much to Carla's relief. She couldn't share the same air as him.

Why was he discrediting himself so much? Settling for Toyah. She knew that that was what he was doing. She could read him like a well warn book.

She had always known, that Peter and Toyah we'ren't well matched. Asides from the fact that, Toyah was his ex's sister, which was strange in it's self, she could not understand it. Toyah was safe, predictable. Not peter's type, at all.

She Had put the conversation with Peter to the back of her mind. Denial was so much better.

That was, until today. She'd done her best to avoid the Rovers, until Michelle had insisted they went for a drink, unaware of Carla's turmoil. What could she do?. Not wanting to give the game away, she'd begrudgingly accepted.

She'd walked in, a breath escaping her, that she didn't even know she was holding. And then, she'd seen them. Toyah, with her arms draped over Peter, like a prized trophy. She felt sick, and quickly looked away, not before she was sure she had detected what seemed, like a smug look on Toyah's face, sent in her direction.

Carla had hastily made her exit, made an excuse to mIchelle about feeling under the weather. She'd clocked off early, sent the factory staff home, on grounds of them having worked extra hard recently, any excuse and headed home. She'd freshened up, changing into a figure hugging red dress, which clung to her in all the right places, accentuating her curves. Made sure her make-up was immaculate, and headed out to the other part of town, finding herself in a very expensive, up market wine bar, worlds away from the Rovers return.

She knew the kinds of guys that would frequent these places. Professionals, flash suits. She also knew that, she would only have to seductively bat an eyelash, and, drinks would be bought. She was a good looking woman, and highly respected. She knew how to get what she wanted, and

She'd walked in, a breath escaping her, that she didn't even know she was holding. And then, she'd seen them. Toyah, with her arms draped over Peter, like a prized trophy. She felt sick, and quickly looked away, not before she was sure she had detected what seemed, like a smug look on Toyah's face, sent in her direction.

Carla had hastily made her exit, made an excuse to mIchelle about feeling under the weather. She'd clocked off early, sent the factory staff home, on grounds of them having worked extra hard recently, any excuse and headed home. She'd freshened up, changing into a figure hugging red dress, which clung to her in all the right places, accentuating her curves. Made sure her make-up was immaculate, and headed out to the other part of town, finding herself in a very expensive, up market wine bar, worlds away from the Rovers return.

She knew the kinds of guys that would frequent these places. Professionals, flash suits. She also knew that, she would only have to seductively bat an eyelash, and, drinks would be bought. She was a good looking woman, and highly respected. She knew how to get what she wanted, and what her limits were.

It was quite simply the drink, and a bit of flirty banter that she was interested in. Nothing more. She knew the power she had over men, but she also knew that dalliances and one night stands with strange men wasn't and, had never been her thing. No, when she fell for a man, she fell hard. She fell deep. And completely. Daniel, being an exception, but hell, she had only used him to make Peter jealous, Peter flamin' Barlow. He owned her heart, her hand, her soul. She knew that getting with Daniel, would get under his skin. Boy, did it get under his skin, and she enjoyed that. Yes, she got off on it. It had had the desired effect. Just enough for him to see what he was missing. What he'd given away when he slept with Tina, just a glimpse and a reminder of what he could have once had, and maybe could still have.

She had to accept, her heart would never and could never, let him go.

She didn't want to feel any more. no amount of alcohol would truly numb the pain. She'd hailed a cab, making sure it was not from Street cars, and headed home to drink alone. She hoped she would eventually fall into a drunken stupor, ready to face a new fresh day, with a new perspective and new hope.

How could she though, when he was over the road. Making a life, and forging plans with another woman. Sleeping In another woman's bed. In a woman's bed that wasn't her's. The thought of Toyah's hands roaming across his body. Making love, or enjoying lustful passionate sex. The thought alone made her want to heave, more than the alcohol which caused through her system. She knew that, he would only be going through the motions with Toyah. She knew she could not ignite the burning desire which seeped through Peter's being, the way that Carla did. The way he would get aroused with just the slightest touch or whisper. Equally, no man could make her come in quite the way Peter could. In fact, nowhere near the way Peter could.

It was all based on want, pure lust, hunger, desire. But most of all. On pure, undeniable love.

She knew all this. Yet the irrational part was questioning if he ever loved her at all?. If he did, why put her through all this pain. When there was no need. Because she'd have him back, right now. She was pretty certain he knew that.

She'd been already to be his saviour. His rock. To help him get over Suzzie. Maybe, in time, they could've tried for a child of their own again. She'd made so many plans. So many dreams about their future.

Now, it was over. No more.

Or was it?

Because if one thing Carla Connor wasn't, she wasn't a quitter. She was damned, if Toyah was going to get the better of her. If Toyah wanted a fight, she'd flamin' well have one. She had nearly taken a part of Aidan, and Carla was determined, she wasn't going to get peter and all. Not again.

But, was it too late?


	3. Chapter 3

Peter slammed the tumbler down hard on the table with such force, the noise reverberated around. his eyes focusing on the amber liquid which swirled vigorously inside it. He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Despite the powerful, strong pull towards the whisky, gripping every fibre of his being, something stopped him. Something was screaming 'no'.

He was weak. So weak. That was the only truth, really. He couldn't even do this right. He was weak when it came to the booze. He had succumbed to temptation, yet, tonight couldn't carry it out. The one thing which could allow him to escape, just for a while.

He picked up the tumbler once more, in exasperation. He got up, and hurled it's contents in to the sink, before walking back to his spot by the table, sitting down heavily, staring out the whisky bottle which still enticingly beckoned. He was weak when it came to Toyah, settling for a relationship he truly was not happy in so he could live an easier life. Not necessarily a happy life.

Because, his happiness was over the road. His mind wondered, as it always did, back to her. The one person who was his home. Yes, he was weak when it came to Carla. He wanted her, more than he wanted anything. Certainly more than he wanted to drink. He couldn't admit that to her. Especially, not now. Not when he'd already told her he was making a life with Toyah. She'd be better off without him, anyway. She deserved better. In being with Toyah, he was setting her free. He was letting her go. . He would be making her happy.

He knew she desperately wanted him. He hated seeing the flicker of emotion in her eyes, the ache in her voice when he'd told her about being back with Toyah. He knew she'd get over it though. It may hurt right now, but she'd get over him.

That was, at least what he was telling himself.

'Peter, what the hell's going on?'

His thoughts were interrupted by a horrified looking Toyah. What was she doing here? She wasn't meant to be back for ages yet. He'd been caught, red handed. He couldn't deny this one.

' i can explain'

A line which, he had used so many times. No, he couldn't explain his way out of this. How could he explain that he was drinking to try and numb his thoughts of how his life was slowly spiralling out of control. to numb his thoughts of not wanting to be in this relationship and, to numb his thoughts of Carla.

''I' he began...'I didn't touch it. I promise'.

He couldn't look at Toyah. Instead he sat, gazing straight ahead. Toyah took some tentative steps towards where Peter was sat, softly pulling up a chair and, placing her hand gently in his.

Why was she not shouting at him? Where were the barage of questions, accusations, the why's the how much...the disappointment...

He would find that easier to deal with. She was calm and he did not like it, did not trust this. She should shout at him, because that was what he deserved.

That was what she'd do. He knew. He could see the disappointment that would be etched in her face. The concern in her eyes tinged with anger. He knew she would only be angry because she cared. Because, she loved him.

'It's ok Peter' Toyah ventured, softly. 'Setbacks happen...it's natural...but it's ok'

He did not need to hear this. He certainly did not need her to go all counselling mode on him. Notright now. If he was with Carla they would have shouted at each other, cried together, made love...

'Why peter?' Toyah offered, gently, soothingly 'did something happen? Was it too much on your own here?'

'No...I don't know Toyah, if you want the truth i...don't know'

''It's no surprise, given everything that has happened recently'

Toyah replied. Who's fult's that, Peter inwardly cursed.

'I drove you to this' she says,

'No' peter replied, only now daring to look at Toyah, who had tears glistening in her eyes'

'You didn't force me to almost pour this poison down my throat, you didn't open the bottle. You didn't pour the whisky. I did that myself'

'Because of what I did. I'm so sorry'.

Peter sighed. He did not need her expressing a guilt trip on him on top of everything else. He knew she'd suffered too, but he did not want to hear it. He had lost everything.

'Are you sure you want this Peter, us? Can you handle it?'

'Course I am...I said so, didn't I'

'We can make it work, I know we can'

Toyah ventured.

'Yeah, we'll be fine. I love you'.

Peter could hear himself speak. Feel his lips move. To him, it felt like this was all coming out of someone else's mouth. Someone else's lips.

''It means so much to hear you say that, because I've been worried. Worried that this is too good to be true. I wouldn't be able to cope, if I lost you as well...when you left i was so scared. I love you, so so much'

Toyah replied, the senserity pulling at Peter's heart, somewhat.

' I know...' he reassured her, lifting the hand he held to his lips and kissing it, softly.

'What you doing back so early anyway, I thought Leanne was taking you out on a wild one, by all accounts'

Peter questioned, wanting to change the subject. 'The atmosphere was not up to much' she offered 'besides, I'd much rather be here with you'

Peter offered a weak smile,

'We saw Carla though,

Carla?' Peter questioned, trying to sound casual, his tone inwardly not, going unnoticed by Toyah,

'Yeah, getting out of a cab back to her flat...honestly, has that woman no self respect?. I wouldn't like to be her head tomorrow morning, or her liver' Toyah quipped, as Peter tried to quel the worry inside him.

Was Carla ok? What kind of state was she in...and, was it really that wise to be drinking that much on the kidney medication?. Peter imagined, not.

Also, what had driven her to the drink? Had it been him?. Yes, he hated to sound so arrogant. There could be a million and one reasons. Maybe a tough day at the office, or a very long liquid lunch having turned into two many. Peter's heart told him otherwise, and if his suspicions were right, this was another mess he had caused..

Why was Carla so hung up on him anyway?. All he did was cause a trail of destruction everywhere she went. He needed her to understand. Needed her to understand that them being together would be a disaster, and that her life would be so much better if she could just let him out of her mind, once and for all.

''right, baby, I'm gunna go for a bath...fancy joining me?' Toyah asked, seductively.

'That sounds good. You head up I'm just...going to stay here for a bit, clear up'

'Ok, but don't be too late darlin' eh, I'll be waiting'. She replies, leaving Peter's side and making her way into the bathroom. He waited until he could hear the bathroom door shut, grabbed his jacket, and headed out.

Inwardly, Toyah seethed, allowing the bathroom door open just a crack. as she could hear Peter gathering his things, and the door closing shut behind him. She knew where Peter would be headed. She knew just as soon as she'd said it. He'd fallen for the bate hook, line, and sinker. Toyah knew she would never, compare to Carla, in Peter's eyes. She knew Peter had never, and would never, stop loving her. She also knew that he had never loved her in the same way, despite trying to convince herself otherwise. Peter and Carla's chemistry was something special. Toyah could not deny this. It was instantaneous. The spark was obvious. It was there, in abundance. For this, she hated Carla. She was jealous of her. She owned Peter's heart. This broke her, because she'd never loved anyone like she loved Peter. Could she cope, knowing Peter loved another woman?. Yes, because she had to. She needed to. She needed him.

She knew she had a lot to make up for. She knew she had done the worse thing anyone could do. She had been desperate, absolutely desperate. She knew she was posssibly the most hated woman on the street right now, but nobody knows what lengths they will go to, when desperation strikes. She knew Peter had been speaking to Carla, she wasn't stupid. This had made her more angry, more determined. More certain that she was going to keep her man.

She smiled to herself. Carla may have everything Toyah wanted, but she was going to make damn sure she wasn't going to get it.

The engagement ring in her possession would see to that.


End file.
